Good News!

I have some good news to share. The most recent CT scan, my 3 month post chemo, shows I am cancer free! I like the sound of that. Don't you? The facts are showing what I am feeling, energized and ready to grow hair, grow flowers, and grow optimism.
I must admit, the week began to crawl by from the time the scan was done and until my next doc. appt. I called his office just to check on my appt. time and found Jennifer, she schedules all my tests, appts., etc. She was there alone on a Friday and I never expected she could divulge any info to me and I shared with her how I supposed the doctor would give me my results at our appt. on Tuesday. She paused, then gave me the good news so calmly. I had called her on the way to see my therapist and instantly pulled over to the side of the road to react properly, which means I shouted, threw my hands in the air, did a mental happy dance, and proceeded to call my hubby to share what I heard.
We had both been trying to stay level, not getting too down or too up. If you've ever tried to do that you know how ineffective it is. Like being on a tightrope that isn't very tight. There's a lot of balancing involved and it is nearly impossible to stay put. Now, we were on terra firma, completely ecstatic! I hadn't realized until that moment how tense I had been. The perverbial ten pound weight resting on my shoulders was instantly lifted. I continue to feel light and sort of, dare I say it...normal? Not sure what that feels like anymore, but it must be close. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Carpe Diem!

On my Toes!

I decided to have a pedicure and invited my daughter, Bridgett, to join me. We went for the polka dots to be frivilous and "summery." Even though most of the time my feet are too cold to wear sandals, I enjoy my twinkle toes at home. After all, one has to please oneself as well as look good to others. Besides, it was the only way I could get my busy mother of 4 to join me and have some mother-daughter time together. We really enjoyed catching up and getting pampered to boot!

My hair is growing back! I am almost all white/grey. No blonde left, probably could get it done, but I kind of like it so far. My husband loves the color, always compliments me on it. I'm just glad to have it covering my head again. I hated having a cold head.

On a serious note, I am due for another CT scan this week sometime. Waiting to be scheduled. Seems like I'm always waiting for something. I have been doing some physical therapy for

"reconditioning" after chemo. The therapist has no mercy! She is quite a taskmaster. Stands over me and makes sure I do ten of everything. I was really sore the first week. I have to get into shape for my grandchildren. Chasing them around is good cardio!

I'm going for cycle 4 of experimental therapy next week. So far, I'm pretty sure I'm on the drug, not a placebo. My blood pressure is higher, one of the side effects. I have never had any trouble with that before. I'm sort of glad because that means I'm getting the real deal. This drug prevents blood from getting to tumors. I hope for the best. It's hard to stay positive, but I have lots of support from all who love and care about me. We shall overcome!

This is a Good Day to Live!

Look Good, Feel Better

American Cancer Society, thank you. Hearst Cancer Resource Center, thank you.

Ok. I guess I feel better. But, It was sort of weird sitting there with other cancer patients. I haven't been in this situation much. Usually, I'm solo, except for Bridgett, my daughter, at my chemo sessions. I really haven't been around other women with cancer. This was a get together of myself and four others. Only one other woman had started losing her hair. I've been there, done that, have some growing back, in fact. The truth is, I am finally in touch with the facts. I had cancer. It was serious. And even though I'm done with chemotherapy, I know I need to realize there are such things as recurrences. But, I'm not living that way. I choose to live in the present, and right now I'm feeling pretty good. Still on the clinical trial experimental therapy, still on a short leash with my oncologist. Every 3 weeks I have therapy which is an antibody supposed to block the blood supply to the tumors. Confusing because I don't think I have any tumors anymore. But hey, I'm a work in progress. I can't possibly accept everything that's changed in my life in the last 6 months.

So, I'm feeling better, yes. Looking good, yes. Just for today, and that's all that counts, this exact moment.

Good News!

My CT scan showed nothing in my kidneys but iodine travelling through. Yes! That worry is going down the drain and into the sewer where it belongs. I've had enough worry to last me another lifetime. I'm grateful for the faith I have in my doctor, the wonderful people I have been meeting at the Hearst Cancer Resource Center. I am so lucky to have a place to go to that's free and I can get information, wigs, scarves, Tai Chi, Reiki, and support groups if I decide I want to go. So far I'm seeing a therapist (yes, I'm a California girl now) and really have a wonderful rapoir with her.

Even though I still am receiving the experimental drug every 3 weeks, the side effects are minimal and I can begin to get back to normal (whatever that is.) Still no concrete plans for France, but dreaming doesn't cost a thing and I'm still learning french with Rosetta Stone. It is a beautiful language and I'm enjoying the learning process. For sure I will go. Maybe not this soon, but for sure in the near future. Meanwhile, que serra serra!

Trials and Tribulations

Like Rosanna Danna used to say, "it's always somethin'." Gilda Radner suffered from ovarian cancer just like me, although she had so much trouble getting diagnosed, she was practically beyond help when it finally happened. Gilda's Place is in her honor and I would like to go to one of them eventually.
Right now I am waiting...my four phase CT scan of my kidneys took place on Friday and my appointment with the doc isn't until tomorrow to read the results. I have been trying to stay calm, not to worry (one of my Mom's favorite sayings) easy to say but hard to do. I go from "oh, its just the iodine going through that they see." to "I have tumors in my kidneys and I only have 5 months to live." Where do I get the 5 months from? Drama queen.
So, trying to stay in the moment, decided to blog it out. The next thing to think about is....
France! I am dreaming about a trip to Marseilles with my masseuse, Zabeth, who is going "home" in July and has invited me to come along. That sounds infinitely better that talking about a CT scan. Let's dream together! Au revoir!

Getting fit after chemo

Well, I finally feel like walking and exercising again. Even though I'm on a short leash with my doctor as I am still in the clinical trial, I still feel really well and want to get back into shape. I haven't gone back to the gym yet, but am trying to walk more and eat better. During chemo I ate whatever sounded good on the days I wasn't nauseated. Now I need to tweak my diet a little to include greens and proteins and put the mashed potatoes and gravy back on the back shelf. Hooray!
My hair is growing back and it's either blonde or white! I have about a quarter inch sticking straight up. It is enough to keep my head a little warmer at night, but still pretty scary looking so I usually wear a cap. Tommy has been helping me with transfer tatoos on the back of my neck below my caps. The nurses and staff at the doc's office never know what to expect from me. I keep them smiling and its good for all of us. I look forward to the summer months and my energy returning so I can be with my grandsons and Ella more. Carpe Diem!

Surreality

I found a new descriptive word. Is it because of the tenth anniversary of Amber's death on June 10th that I have this skewed take on life? Or could it be the next step I am about to take in the clinical trial I'm in for ovarian cancer? Or maybe it is the visit to the high school where I gave 3 scholarships in honor of Amber's life as a dancer and lover of education. Or was it walking on the campus with a scarf on my bald head as Amber did and got stares from her peers and a sneering comment, "nice bandana!" from a clueless girl passing by?
Clearly I have issues at this time of my life and probably shouldn't write when I feel this way, but I have to, because that's what I do to deal with it.